Relaxing...

Ah, summer! Lazy days at the beach, lemonade, barbeques… life seems a bit more relaxed at this time of the year—or if it doesn't, then it should be! 

My husband was telling me about a recent bus accident in Niagara Falls that killed two women. Knowing how much of a worry wort I tend to be, he gently reminded me that I shouldn’t worry about things because, as he put it, “one minute you’re in a bus going up to Niagara Falls and then…” 

And then. Then everything changes. It’s the one lesson in life with which I’ve struggled most. I’ve always resisted impermanence. I’ve always feared loss of all kinds. I suppose I’m not alone in this; I’m sure almost everyone on the planet experiences a form of this same fear and resistance, but it’s a theme that revisits me often. And sometimes, just when I think I’ve gotten close to embracing impermanence…boom! I resist it again in some other form! I'll have managed to let go of X and Y, but I’ll still be having a hard time letting go of Z. 

While I know I should just go with the flow, I still tend to flail my arms wildly against the current.  I’m very thick headed! I suppose phrases such as “So what?” and “Aw, who gives a _____” (in response, that is, to the anxiety-driven question “What if?”) should become my mantras. Maybe if I repeat them enough to myself over time, I might be able to fully embrace impermanence. It might take awhile, but why not start today? 

Actually, I did start the weekend before last. After joining the stage in the Woodstock Poetry Festival reading at the Colony Café in Woodstock, NY,  I managed to sneak away the next morning for a half-day visit to Zen Mountain Monastery in Mount Tremper. What a wonderful retreat it was! I first participated in the opening liturgy before receiving training in zazen (a form of Zen meditation which literally translates into “seated meditation”) including mudras, postures and techniques. Following this training I practiced zazen for an entire half hour in silence and stillness. What an amazing experience! I actually did undergo—for perhaps the first time in my life—moments in which I was truly nothing more than my breath, where I let go of all judgmental thinking and let images, words, ideas and thoughts pass by without getting caught up in them, and ultimately attained nonthinking. It was an indescribable feeling just being with myself, with my eyes half-open and half-shut. It sounds so simple, right? Trust me, nonthinking is a state that is very hard to maintain when you hear a car drive by or someone in the zendo receives the kyōsaku or your foot or bottom fall asleep in Burmese position or you notice the subtle tonal nuances of the mat in front of yours. Such observations trigger thoughts in your mind, in which case you need to gently release those thoughts and start all over again. Let go in order to start fresh. It was challenging but I rose to the occasion!

After zazen, I listened to the dharma talk that followed. I left the Monastery that day with a tremendous sense of peace, while also understanding myself and the thoughts that occupy my mind a bit more. I began to uncover more of myself—both permanent and impermanent, which resists and releases—and I was gentle with myself the whole while. I am extremely grateful to the monastics and students of the Monastery for opening their doors to me and to other members of the public who are welcomed each Sunday morning. I have learned a great deal from their wisdom and practices. I came home lighter yet wealthier in mind, heart and spirit, ready to integrate some of what I learned into my own spiritual practices.   

So the next time I find myself resisting (a phenomenon in which anxiety is greatly rooted), I will remember to follow it up by releasing, allowing myself to just relax and be.